How to annoy the police

Say out loud when he/she approaches you “You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?”
Ask to see his gun.
When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
Say out loud “Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!”
Slap his hand and say “Bad cop! No donut!”
When he frisks you, say “You missed a spot”, and grin.
After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.
Refer to him by his first name.
When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.

How to annoy everyone

Pay tolls with $100 bills
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
Eat produce at the market; don’t buy it
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
Knock and ask “How is it going?” to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
Announce when you’re going to the bathroom
Chew other people’s pencils
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
Wear large hats during the movies
Touch strangers
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
Bite your dentist’s finger
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Leave lipstick prints on people’s cheeks and foreheads
Don’t stand during hymns and anthems
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
Tell people they have bad breath
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Flirt with a friend’s spouse
Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
Shake with your left hand
Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

How to annoy your driving test examiner

Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Beep your horn at everything.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear at everybody on the road.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

How to annoy your flat mate

Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.
Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g.”The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Collect all your urine in a small jug.
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.