The news that I was colour blind came completely out of the teal! 😀

My professor accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine! 😀

Although I was born visible, I now identify as invisible. I am trans-parent! My pronouns are who/where! 😀

I tried to marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money! 😀

We must all do our bit for the planet!
I just unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using! 😀

Just because something is on Facebook, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true … William Shakespeare 😀

This morning I used Red Bull to make my coffee instead of Water!
After 15 minutes on the motorway I realized I’d left my car at home! 😀

I know loads of cash machine jokes. I just can’t think of one ATM! 😀

Me: How much do you know about atoms?
Friend: Very little!
Me: Apart from that? 😀

I can’t believe bed time used to be a punishment! 😀

Friend: Thanks for introducing me to Minimalism.
Me: It’s the least I could do! 😀

What do we want?
Hearing Aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing Aids! 😀

I just dropped a colander on the floor.
Went to pick it up and strained myself! 😀

I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a lipstick.
She’s STILL not talking to me! 😀

I’ve just been prescribed gloating cream!
I can’t wait to rub it in … 😀

9 out of 10 times that I lose something …
It’s because I put it in a safe place! 😀

When one door closes, another door opens!
Other than that it’s a pretty good car! 😀

Just cost me a whole QUID to put air in my tires!
Guess that’s inflation for you! 😀

If the number 666 is considered evil.
Then 25.8069758 is technically the root of all evil! 😀

Scientists have discovered that the first two humans on earth were actually Cockneys!
Blimey! Would you Adam and Eve it? 😀

Jokes about sugar are rare!
Jokes about brown sugar … demerara! 😀

My computer’s got Miley Virus!
It’s stopped twerking! 😀

Scared the postman this morning by going to the door completely naked!
Not sure what surprised him more … that I was naked or that I knew where he lived! 😀

The doctor said he wanted to talk to me about my weight!
I said “well it was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy!” 😀

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be!
There’s no need to remind her every half an hour! 😀

Left brain: Write that down before you forget.
Right brain: Write what down? 😀

If you have identified a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed of course, in which case it is just an O. 😀

If olive oil is made of olives …
What is baby oil made of? 😀

When I was a kid my parents bathed me in cheap Australian lager.
It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been Fostered! 😀

I dropped a gold bar on my foot.
Au! 😀

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden!
The plot thickens! 😀

Can you imagine the self control needed to work at a bubble wrap factory? 😀

You ever noticed it sounds so friendly when you say “Have a nice day” to someone.
But if you say “enjoy your next 24 hours” it sounds a bit scary! 😀

I saw a Microbiologist today!
He was much bigger than I expected! 😀

I dipped my testicles in glitter!
Pretty nuts eh? 😀

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there … 😀

Would you go to someone else’s funeral, who didn’t go to yours? 😀

Tsunami: T is silent
Honest: H is silent
Island: S is silent
Queue: ueue is silent! 😀

I read a survey that said 82% of people like being cuddled…
Judging by the reaction on the train this morning I would say it’s less than 1%! 😀

How many pedantic grammar police does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too! 😀

Why did the chicken hold a séance?
To get to the other side. 😀

My mate told me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I said “Did ya redo it?” 😀

Viagra. It won’t make you James Bond, but it might make you Roger Moore!

Me: Is it weird to talk to yourself?
Me: No! 😀

Just back from the fishmongers and the guy in front of me bought ALL the crabs, mussels and lobsters. Shellfish bastard! 😀

I sleep much better naked.
Why can’t flight attendants understand that? 😀

Never in the history of calming down, has anyone ever calmed down, by being told to Calm Down! 😀

If you were a child when “Red, Red Wine” was released ….
UB40ish now! 😀

What’s the first band you’ll see when Lockdown is over?
Mine’ll be a bloody Gastric one! 😀

Did you know a fear of giants is called Feefiphobia? 😀

Turns out, when people ask you who your favourite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own! Oops! 😀

Do gun owner’s manuals have a Troubleshooting section? 😀

You can tell an Alligator from a Crocodile based on whether it sees you again later or in a while! 😀

Is Atheism a non prophet organisation? 😀

Did you know Muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven? 😀

Fun fact: People from Dubai don’t like The Flintstones. But those from Abu Dhabi do! 😀

I wonder if the person who invented the phrase “Jumping on the bandwagon” got really annoyed when everyone started using it? 😀

Sure, skydiving is scary but … have you ever been to someone’s house and the toilet won’t flush? 😀

Apparently it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you! 😀

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis? 😀

Never compliment a woman on her moustache.
No matter how epic it is! 😀

My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed ….. 😀

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here 276 years and not noticed anything strange! 😀

One of my biggest faults is … when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is! 😀

Can’t believe I got fired on my very first day as a signwirter! 😀

“I like your personality”
Me: “Thanks, I have like 3 more!” 😀

Women love it when you kiss their neck .. just not when they’re driving … and you’re in the back seat … and they don’t know you! 😀

I finally did it! I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen! 😀

I was going to post a time travel joke … but you lot didn’t like it! 😀

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and barks a lot. Let me know if interested and I’ll jump over my neighbour’s fence and get it for you! 😀

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy! 😀

Not all Maths jokes are bad! Just sum! 😀

Accordion to scientists, it is possible to slip a musical instrument into a sentence without people noticing! 😀

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says “does this taste funny to you”? 😀

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms! 😀

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’d had a sudden loss of taste!
I told her “No I’ve always dressed like this!” 😀

My kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: Like what?
My kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open up and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.
My kids: What older brother?
Me: Exactly! 😀

What I if told you …
You read the first line wrong? 😀

I’m opening a school for cattle farmers. You herd it here first! 😀

My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling. I might have guest! 😀

Enter new password:
> chicken
Password must contain a capital:
> chickenkiev 😀

Just had my Christmas Dinner.
Those slow cookers are crap! 😀

Me: God I’m hungry!
Horse: (Nervously) Ur how hungry exactly? 😀

The other half asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything! 😀

Me: My credit card won’t work
Cashier: Strip facing this way
Me: (Unbuttoning shirt) Can’t I just pay in cash? 😀

A weasel walks into a bar.
The Bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel! 😀

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for lockdown.
It’s a little fit bunny! 😀

So if you believe in reincarnation, instead of RIP on your gravestone, do you put BRB? 😀

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Round?
Round …
Get a round?
I’ll get a round … 😀

I lost my pizza cutter so I used a Bryan Adams CD.
It cuts like a knife! 😀

A genie granted me a single wish.
I said I just wanted to be happy.
Now I live in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and work down a bloody mine! 😀

If we run out of Doctors and Nurses the Government will use vets.
Have you seen how vets take your temperature?
Stay home! Stay safe! 😀

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me in Tesco last night.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil! 😀

I can tell someone’s judgemental just by looking at them! 😀

I stumbled into bed last night and she said “You’re drunk”!
I asked her how she knew.
She said “You live next door”! 😀

Thanks so much to the person who taught me the meaning of ‘Plethora’.
It means a lot! 😀

Sitting here in ER in a lot of pain. Don’t want to go into details but the “Dyson ball cleaner” is a very misleading product name! 😀

Wanna know the secret to getting your partner to go “Mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmm….” all night long?
Duct tape! 😀

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriend’s bra off, I’ve given up!
I wish I’d never put it on now! 😀

Did the person who invented the phrase “one hit wonder” ever invent any other catch phrases? 😀

My dyslexia has reached a new owl! 😀

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
He said “Are you sure?”
I said “Yes I’m definite” 😀

This bloke asked me if I’d any idea where he could get a new wig from.
I said “not off the top of my head!” 😀

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.
We’ll probably tell them over dinner this evening! 😀

I stopped at some traffic lights today, right next to an RAC van.
The driver was crying and talking to himself.
I thought “He’s heading for a breakdown!” 😀

I paid a carpenter up front to make me a double bed and the bastard’s done a bunk. 😀

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits next to you … just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?” 😀

Put your hand up if you hate getting tricked into taking a survey! 😀

I’m proud to say I’ve just released my own fragrance! Sadly nobody else in the car liked it much! 😀

I woke up this morning and discovered I’d turned into a cat! Don’t ask meow! 😀

To the thief who stole my glasses … I will find you … I have contacts! 😀

9 months before I was born I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mum! 😀

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger! Just saying! 😀

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? 😀

Someone suggested I try horse manure on my rhubarb.
I have to admit .. I still prefer custard! 😀

Is a double negative a definite no-no? 😀

Tried cross breeding a bull terrier with a shitzu. Guess what? 😀

Just imagine how exciting it must have been for Barn Owls when humans invented barns! 😀

Why do you never see the headline “Psychic wins lottery”? 😀

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence! 😀

How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong! 😀

I hate spelling errors. You just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined! 😀

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her the superglue instead!
She’s still not talking to me! 😀

How do you write “do not touch” in braille? 😀

So in retrospect, in 2015 not a SINGLE person got the answer right to “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” 😀

I just told my suitcases that we won’t be going away this year. Now I’m dealing with all the emotional baggage! 😀

One big difference between men and women is if a woman says “smell this” to you, it usually smells nice! 😀

Accidentally went to the supermarket on an empty stomach. I’m now the proud owner of aisle 3! 😀

Dyslexics of the world untie! 😀

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear a mask & glasses together? If so, you may be entitled to condensation! 😀

Insomnia is awful, but on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas! 😀

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday! 😀

I rang my wife from the shop cos I’d forgot what orange juice she wanted.
‘Concentrate’ she said, but I still couldn’t remember! 😀

Greggs have announced a new delivery service using drones.
All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me! 😀

My Indian friend died of a heart attack last night.
Must have had a dodgy Tikka. 😀

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite Christian festival is.
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.” 😀

Me: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
Doc: “I don’t follow you … ” 😀

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym again yesterday.
That’s 20 years in a row! 😀

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 😀

I’m worried about one of my testicles.
It’s quite a bit bigger than the other two. 😀

My little Spanish nephew can’t even say “please”
That’s poor for four… 😀

A thesaurus is “Great”. There’s no other word for it! 😀

I don’t always have time to fold laundry. But when I do … I don’t!! 😀

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 😀

I went to visit a Psychic
I knocked on the front door and she yelled “Who is it?”
So I left! 😀

My Dad suggested I register for a Donor Card.
A man after my own heart! 😀

Is the worst time to have a heart attack … when you’re playing charades? 😀

The guy who invented Autocorrect has died. May he roast in piss! 😀

Someone told me that I don’t know how to shave properly! Bloody cheek! 😀

“Propaganda” is what Cockneys do when they really look at something! 😀

I told my Mum I’d made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn’t believe me!
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. 😀

My four year old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the word for ‘please’.
Which I think is poor for four! 😀

I went on a positive thinking course today …
It was crap. 😀

“I’ve just injected steroids into my arm”
“Anabolic?”
“No, just my arm” 😀

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? 😀

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar. 😀

“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…” 😀

Me: I’m terrified of the vertical axis
Therapist: Why?
Me: [ SCREAMS ] 😀

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today.
He had a Wigan address 😀

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin ? 😀

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven! 😀

I was offered 8 legs of venison for £200 today.
Is that just too dear? 😀

I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything, it’s more sluggish now! 😀

I remember my father fondly.
Funny name for a man! 😀

What’s a Tarka Dall? It’s like any other Dall, just a little otter! 😀

Someone stole my anti-depressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy! 😀

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Agad”
“Agad who?”
“Push pineapple shake the tree” 😀

Interviewer: What’s your special power?
Me: Hindsight!
Interviewer: Well that’s not going to help!
Me: Yes I can see that now! 😀

And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it? 😀

For some reason it only takes me 5 minutes to walk to my local pub, but over 20 minutes to walk back! The difference is staggering! 😀

A coffin? That’s the last thing I need! 😀

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!” 😀

I have a nerdy maths joke but I’m 2² to share it 😀

In the Canary Islands there are no canaries. Same story in the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either! 😀

I met my wife through the new Tesco dating service. I got a bag for life! 😀

Bad news for dyslexics in October … all their cocks go black! 😀

Understand paranoid people better by following one around! 😀

During the war, my Grandad survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray attacks. He’s considered a seasoned veteran! 😀

If you boil down your funny bone, does it become a laughing stock? 😀

I used to be a Human Cannonball. Until I was fired! 😀

Dogs can’t read X-rays! But cats can! 😀

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! 😀

I thought my orthopaedic shoes wouldn’t work. I stand corrected! 😀

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean! 😀

My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me… 😀

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right! 😀

I don’t like lollypop ladies. Not sure why … They just make me cross! 😀

What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador! 😀

I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know! 😀

There are two types of people in the world: 1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data. 😀

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 😀

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. 😀

I just dropped my phone in mayonnaise. Bloody hellman! 😀

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 😀

My wife wants me to have sex with her on the bonnet of her Honda Civic, But if I’m going to have sex like that, it’ll be on my own Accord! 😀

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap! 😀

How many thriller writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one gets it almost all the way in, then the other comes along and applies a surprising twist at the end. 😀

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one to screw in the lighbulb and one to hold the boobs. I mean ladder! 😀

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar. My life is a joke. 😀

I hate being bi-polar. It’s AMAZING! 😀

I used to be in a Band called ‘The Dead Badgers’.
We did Middle of the Road type stuff, mainly. 😀

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 😀

People keep asking me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies. But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction. 😀

I hate autocorrect, it always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo! 😀

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff. 😀

When chemists die, do they barium? 😀

When I die I want my last words to be “I left a million quid under the …..”! 😀

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist orders an H2O. The second scientist orders an H2O too. The second scientist dies 😀

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 😀

The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.
His funfair will be next monkey 😀

The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday.
May he rust in piss! 😀

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 😀

Recent research reveals that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy 😀

I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 😀

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 😀

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 😀

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. 😀

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 😀

Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers today? 😀

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .. 😀

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 😀

My wife says I only have two faults! I don’t listen, and ur something else! 😀

A Brummie walks into a tailors, “Alroit mate, I’d like a 70’s suit please.” The tailor says, “Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?” The Brummie says, “Thanks mate, white with two sugars please” 😀

A pizza is basically a real time pie chart of how much pizza is left! 😀

What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel! 😀

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow! 😀

A man got run over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. Police said there was no easy way to tell his family! 😀

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their warships? So that when they return from battle they can … Scandanavian! 😀

Theresa May’s cabinet ‘not in crisis’ confirms Justice Secretary Barry from Eastenders. 😀

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane. 😀

To person at a fancy dress party: What have you come as?
A harp
Hmm, you’re a bit small for a harp
Are you calling me a lyre? 😀

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.
I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair! 😀

I went to the zoo at the weekend
It only had one animal
It was a dog
It was a shih tzu! 😀

Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe …. (try also …. What’s up, Done Up, Need up, Smell up, Eat up) 😀

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? 😀

This dyslexic bloke walks into a bra … 😀

Heard about the dyslexic athiest who didn’t believe there was a dog? 😀

Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 😀

Least visited website ever – www.dyslexia.com 😀

DNA = National Association of Dyslexics 😀

Shouldn’t hemorrhoids really be called asteroids? 😀

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse! 😀

Schizophrenia – beats being alone! 😀